Book Review: Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

so, i'm reading this book more than a year late i guess (after all the "publicity" it had received in the Wall Street Journal and on TV has long since settled down).  even though people call Chua a monster, criticizing her parenting style, even going as far as calling her a child abuser (tiger mothers are pretty extreme in their strict parenting)... i have to say, i could really relate to her family.  i'm not saying that i'm a tiger mother, at least not now, but there is a real tender part of my heart that is going to remain so grateful for my own parents.  i am 100% sure that i would not have the education and successes i've had so far in life if it hadn't been for them and their tiger-ish parenting (my mom is far too much of a pushover to be a tiger mother; my dad makes up for any gap there).  i am the person i am today because of their hard work.

with that said, i also recognize that there are flaws in the tiger mothering approach (as there are flaws in every approach of parenting in our fallen world).  and with candid experience and dry humor, Chua lays it all out there, highlights and lowlights for everyone to see [and criticize].  i actually think it took a lot of humility and bravery on her part to be so transparent throughout the book.  she is passionate, so smart, and sometimes, well a lot of times, slightly irrational and over-reactive, but always self-aware and focused.  i like her.

it's hard to disagree with data that says that tiger mothers produce highly successful kids.

i liked her dissection of western and eastern cultures.  i think that, having grown up korean american, i have a lot of my american and korean culture rolled up into a messy ball of yarn.  i don't know which is which and i find it sometimes difficult to articulate well what i think about the differences and which culture is actually at my core.  add into the mix that discussions about *my* culture are usually with others who may either be quietly judgmental toward korean culture or strangely intrigued by [exotic] korean culture.  it's very strange.  so, it was kind of refreshing to hear Chua's take on things, because especially in the beginning of the book, she was very clear that Chinese parents are superior.  i don't know, i don't usually hear that perspective, especially spoken so frankly and so articulately and in such an informed way (she also grew up in the States, so she was able to contrast western and eastern with real examples).

anyway, i do believe i've written a lot.  i hope you decide to read at least a little bit of this book.  and keep in mind that she's funny, so you don't take her so seriously.  i think it would be less offensive that way.

lovelove,
what-kind-of-mom-am-i-going-to-be?

my first public [child-related] embarrassment, my superhero abilities, and some notes

moses and i were in trader joe's the other day, and i absent-mindedly (and quite foolishly) left the shopping cart within baby arm's reach of a large display of wine bottles.  while my back was turned (again, quite foolish), moses managed to get a really good grip on a piece of cardboard that had about 4-5 bottles of wine on it, and pulled it right out from the display.  what a strong baby!  sheesh.  the bottles came crashing down, and the bottom half of my jeans got a good spray of white wine and shattered glass.  after i made sure that moses was unharmed (yes, he was fine), i scooted us off to the bathroom to get the tiny shards of glass out of my sandals...  but not before i profusely apologized to the super-nice employees that had quickly assembled and felt my face burn with my hot embarrassment.  

i know it probably happens all the time.  and one of the employees even told me those very words--that it happens all the time.  but still.  it was our child, and me who wasn't looking!  i was *that* clueless mom in the store who should have been watching her kid!  ai.

well.  as long as i'm writing, i should probably tell you, i also feel like a problem-solving superhero today because i have felt success on a few fronts.

1. moses had been fussier/clingier than usual and taking shorter and shorter afternoon naps (waking up after two hours and jumping up and down for an hour or so).  he had stopped sleeping during his morning naps last week, so i just dropped laying him down altogether.  it occurred to me the day before yesterday that it might be catching up with us and he actually might be overtired... and that might be why he's fussier/clingier and sleeping less.  i decided to stay at home and work on resting.  i laid him down in the morning yesterday (he didn't sleep but he had a good 45 minutes of quiet time), we played at home the rest of the morning, and then BINGO, he had a 3 hour nap in the afternoon.  i guess he was just needing more sleep to get him to sleep more!  :O)  problem solved.  we had a better day yesterday, and today's been alright too.  he took his 45 minute nap this morning and sleeping soundly now... we'll see how long he sleeps today.
2. mo's hair was getting all matted and weird in the back of his head and combing wasn't fixing it.  i decided to use a bunch of soap and really get it lathered in the bath the day before yesterday.  well, it fixed the problem, and now it's back to being nice and soft!
3. these past few days, he's used the signs for milk, all done, and more!  i've been signing to him nearly everyday since about 9 months ago, and it's finally made a difference this week.  i'm partly frustrated that he's taken this long because i'm certain he's known what they mean for quite some time, but mostly, i'm super proud and excited to see his little hands making signs!  i know he may become disinterested in signs by this time next week, but i got the satisfaction of communicating with him this way for at least a little while.  i'm a proud momma.

also, some side notes that i've been meaning to write down:

• his current favorite foods are green beans and brown rice.
• yesterday, for the first time, he ate more than me and shane for dinner.  zucchini pie, green beans, grapes and milk.  i couldn't believe how much he put away!  maybe he's hitting a growth spurt!  24 month clothing, here we come!  or maybe he'll finally get a little rounder again and his 18 month clothes won't fall down!  :O) 
• he seems to really hate walking.  he even full on cried yesterday after taking one step on his own.  i'm pretty certain he wants to wait until the very last week of when we should not worry (is it like 18 months?) and started walking then.  he likes to be the one to balance out the average ages for milestones, i think.  
• he's started to hide behind blankets and sneak up behind me to surprise me.  we chase each other around the living room, and we've been having some great belly laughs these days.  we're finally playing together, and that's been really fun! 

a couple of months ago, i made a photo book with milestones and notes for moses' first year.  it was a terrific pain-in-the-behind to put together, but this blog with notes really helped with the details that fade so quickly. so, i'm going to keep writing these sorts of things down to remind myself... if i decide to make another book for his 2nd year.  too bad for his younger sibling(s).  they will not get that sort of attention, i think.  and no, we're not pregnant.  :O) 

lovelove,

me

the recent nap transition

so, it's slightly early, but ever since Moses was about a year old, he was beginning to drop down to one nap a day.  he would take a longer nap in the morning and then his afternoon nap would consist of him entertaining himself for about an hour and a half by talking excitedly, throwing around pacifiers and teddy bears, and jumping up and down in the crib.  i think it was probably a whole lot of fun.

so, last week, i decided [against popular wisdom], to drop his morning nap shortly before an out-of-town trip.    it actually worked out really fine.  i did drop to one nap cold turkey, as has been my MO with mo.  i just moved his afternoon nap from about 2 to about 12:30 or so.  the next day was sunday, and he seemed rather sleepy in the morning, so i laid him down for 45 minutes, and he squeezed in a half hour nap before church.  the day after, he seemed good to go in the morning, so we went out and returned in time for him to doze briefly in the van, eat lunch, and lay down for a longer afternoon nap.  he woke up at about 2 hours, cried for less than 10 seconds, and then slept for another half hour.  he's been able to sleep longer and longer until now he's been able to reach 3 hours and 45 minutes.  it's not every day, and sometimes he still needs his morning nap, but he's doing well.  and his nighttime sleep is fairly regular, except for one cry out (for less than 10 seconds) once a week or so, which started before we started dropping down to one nap, so i'm going to go ahead and blame it on teething.  ha.  or maybe it's dreaming--i heard that kids dream now.  or maybe it's separation anxiety.  or maybe he's thirsty.  or maybe... it could be anything, really.  

anyway, what i really wanted to say here was that i am loving that longer afternoon nap!  i even got a very restful 2 hour nap myself just yesterday.  it was marvelous.  plus, when we skip the nap in the morning, we can have a fun outing--like today, our family went out to downtown decatur and had a nice walk together.  

lovelove,

mamama

PS: i meant to mention that momo dropped down to one nursing session about a month ago on his own.  just the morning one now, and i think he'll drop it on his own too.  it's been a nice slow process.  i recommend it.

terrible one's (no longer terrible two's)?

i got an email the other day about our baby's development (i'm on several email lists telling me about what to expect about moses), and this is what it said:

Expect mealtime messes, new words (like "NO!"), squirmy diaper changes, and mood swings. (In case you haven't heard, one is the new two.) 

i can definitely see most of these things happening, but it was the end of the statement that really stood out to me.  i wondered if this was true, and after mulling it over for a time and paying careful attention to mo's behavior, i decided it must be true.  yesterday, even, i witnessed what can only have been called a one-year-old-sized tantrum.  what had happened was... we try to teach the little guy not to chew on his books.  he tried to do that last night, so i took the book away, and he started on a really ugly cry.  complete with tears and everything.  i just sat through it.  i didn't console him.  i didn't reward him by giving the book back to him.  i just sat through it.  it was really uncomfortable.  then i shifted him into the bath, and he eventually quieted down on his own.

i began to wonder if people in other countries have something similar to the "terrible two's" and temper tantrums.  maybe i just blocked it out, but really, i feel like i can't remember any fellow kids in my old [Korean] church having temper tantrums.  what i do remember is adults who would not stand for misbehavior.  kids never won.  parents always ruled.  it was what kept us young kids in line when we were unsupervised for hours at a time while the parents had revivals all night long.

it makes me wonder if America, the land of instant gratification, convenience, and honey boo boo child, is the main ingredient in this phenomenon.  i wonder if we, as Americans, fear being in charge/taking responsibility, really disciplining our kids, and persevering through children's disapproval of our decisions (within reason).  maybe we even quietly judge such parenting because we believe children (especially really young ones) should [above all else] be happy, and children don't act happy if we decide and enforce what is appropriate behavior.  i say we, but i think i actually mean mainstream America, and maybe what i actually mean to say is that i'm the one not-so-silently judging said group.  maybe this is hitting a nerve in all (read: both) of my readers.  maybe you're the ones that quietly judge people silly people like me (who started to teach patience to a six month old at mealtime) and i'm silently judging people like you because your similarly-aged child is throwing food and screaming at the local taco joint where we're having a nice family dinner (sans food fight).

well.  no matter what your parenting philosophy.  parenting is such. hard. work.  isn't it?  i think i've developed much thicker skin and deeper patience over this past year or so than i've ever had to my whole life.  and i have this feeling that i'm still just at the beginning.  i'm kind of holding my breath for when the fit hits the shan and my sweet little boy actually starts going through the official terrible two's, and i wonder how i'll feel about this all in the thick of it.  maybe i'm just naive right now.

anyway, i understand that any potential criticism regarding parenting is very touchy, and so i hope you're still my friends after this post.

lovelove,
philosophical parent

product push: the tommee tippee explora bib

finally.  after four different kinds of terrible bibs, we have found our true bib love.  here are the reasons you must also go and purchase this item immediately:

• it does not have any fabric element to it, so it doesn't take forever to dry and it won't fall apart or smell funky after a few hand washes.  
• they say the material is soft and light and they're telling the truth.  it's flexible, so it doesn't choke the child's neck.
• it doesn't fasten with velcro, yippee!  velcro loses its power after a while, which, let's be honest here, power is exactly what little toddlers are made of.  
• the crumb catcher is always open and able to catch what falls.  all others so far have been particularly flimsy in that department, making them essentially useless.  this one catches nearly everything.  moses has been starting to eat from both his plate and the bib pocket because there's so yummy much food that's collected in there during the meal.  
• it's all one piece of continuous plastic--no piping, no crevices, no special washing instructions.  very easy.

the one down side i've noticed so far: it's very tempting to chew on (because it's so flexible and rubbery).  however, once the crumb catcher has done its job and is full of food, the last thing you want is for the boy to tip it over and chew on the bottom of the pocket.  today, he did it, and we ended up with bits of cheese and noodles somehow making their way out of the clever pocket, over his head, and down his back.  what?  

lovelove,

crumbs mcgee

hand, foot, and mouth disease

sheesh.  ever since we moved to Atlanta, sickness has had a tight grip on our little family.  there hasn't yet been a time where one member of the K3 has not been sick with some kind of upper respiratory, GI or skin problem.  maybe it's because we're adapting to the viruses, bacteria and allergens in this unfamiliar region of the country. maybe it's the superbugs that the hard-working (and devastatingly handsome) ER nurse has been bringing home from work (ick).  maybe it's the stress of transition and uncertain next steps.  maybe it's because we have a one-year old who is wired to explore mouth-first, and this, combined with semi-frequent trips to Walmart.

maybe it's because we're puny little weaklings.

whatever the reason, we have been sick.  painful sore throats, headaches, persistent coughs, congestion, runny noses, pink eye, rashes, fevers, nausea, soreness, diarrhea, mosquito bites by the dozens, you name it, we've endured it.

nothing has been officially diagnosed, but we have spent a small fortune on over-the-counter medicines and a few prescription drugs as well.

the latest plague on our house has been hand, foot, and mouth disease (poor little baby).  not to be confused with hoof-and-mouth or foot-and-mouth disease, which is what all the websites say.  the photos are scary, which is why we thought Mo didn't have it.  he had a crazy high fever and a weird rash all over his arms and legs, but not on his palms or soles and no blisters. he had a little dip in appetite, but nothing that seemed too unusual for a toddler, according to me.  also, he had some loose stools, which is not really mentioned in many HFMD websites.  unfortunately, after denying it was HFMD and letting our son play with a family friend's kid, our friend called yesterday and let us know that her son was diagnosed with it.  sorry bubby.  he actually got the classic HFMD sores in the mouth that all the websites talk about, so i guess Mosey just has the virus and is presenting with different symptoms.

anyway.  he's been on the mend and has been in a delightful mood, so that's good.  today was a weird day for his poops and he was a tiny bit feverish again, but maybe that's a whole different issue altogether.  who really knows.  i'm just hanging on and trying to get through this period.  i'm sure we'll all be healthy again someday.  i'm really looking forward to it.

lovelove,
helen for the contagious 3

babysitter

okay, so we've had some experience leaving lil mo with friends and family and church nurseries.  but this weekend was our first time hiring a babysitter to watch him for 7 hours while we went to a wedding (1.5 hours away!).  she got him up from his nap, fed him a snack and then dinner, played with him, bathed him, and put him to bed in the evening!  and he apparently loved it and even snuggled with her a bit after his nap!  he went to sleep at night with no problem, and just had an overall pleasant time with this new person.

we were only a tiny bit sad that he wasn't devastated that we weren't there with him.  mostly, we felt proud and happy that Momo is a well-adjusted, delightful little toddler.  i guess all the work and time in random church nurseries has paid off.  also, if i get a full-time job sometime soon (fingers crossed), we know that Mo will be fine in daycare or with a nanny.

another new thing that happened this week is that he obeyed when i told him he shouldn't be in the kitchen.  for the past 4 months or so, i've been trying to teach him that he can't play in our [small] kitchen (which is apparently a heart-crushing lesson, by the way he reacts).  i figure it's super dangerous if he's under my feet when there are hot and sharp items that can fall on him, and there really isn't a good enough reason to crawl into the fridge or the dishwasher anyway.  so i wanted to teach him early that the kitchen isn't a place to play.  i remove him from the area every time, tell him no, and put him down away from the kitchen without affection or reward or real reaction really.  over and over.  and over.  and over.  and over!  it's always during dinner prep time, when he's most clingy and most hungry, and coincidentally, when i'm most occupied.  but yesterday, i removed him from the area twice.  when he came by the third time, i told him no, he can't play in here, and [without my physical intervention] he made a face, but crawled back into the living room and started playing on his own!  what?? a miracle!  it may never happen again for years, but i am really excited that it even happened this one time.

lovelove,
me